• Jokes And Puns

    From Daryl Stout@HURRICAN to All on Mon Apr 14 07:11:00 2014
    Did you hear about the two blood corpuscles named Romeo and Juliet?
    They loved in vein.

    "Marriage" -- the process of finding out what kind of person your
    spouse would prefer.

    "Coming from the Soviet Union I was not prepared for the incredible
    variety of products available in American grocery stores. I saw
    powdered milk -- you just add water and you get milk. I saw powdered
    orange juice -- you just add water and you get orange juice. Then I
    saw baby powder and thought, 'what a country.'" -- Yakov Smirnoff

    A scientist, trying to prove his theorem, was doing a large experiment
    with liquid chemicals when he fell into the vat and became part of the solution.


    Bumper sticker we saw:
    I'VE BEEN CALLED WORSE.


    "Relax and make yourself at home -- I'm not quite ready," the woman
    said to her blind date. "Feel free to play with my little dog Shelby if
    you like." The man found a toy and idly tossed it. The eager little
    dog fetched, her tail wagging wildly for another turn. He tossed the ball again, and the dog scurried after it. He hurled the toy harder, and
    this time it bounced out an open window. To his horror, the little pet
    jumped out after the ball, falling 20 stories down.

    Just then the woman entered the room. "So, how did you and little
    Shelby get along?" "Well," the man shrugged, "she seemed a little
    depressed..."

    A note from a college student, with reply:

    Dear Dad,

    $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
    hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if
    you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear
    from you.

    Love,
    Your $on.


    Dear Son,

    I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
    even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge
    is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

    Love,
    Dad

    If restaurant waiters acted like Microsoft support staff

    Patron: Waiter!

    Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter.
    What seems to be the problem?

    Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

    Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

    Patron: No, it's still there.

    Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're eating the soup;
    try eating it with a fork instead.

    Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

    Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl;
    what kind of bowl are you using?

    Patron: A SOUP bowl!

    Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem;
    how was the bowl set up?

    Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer;
    what has that to do fly in my soup?

    Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before
    you noticed the fly with the fork in your soup?

    Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

    Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

    Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

    Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

    Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

    Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

    Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check.
    I'm running late now.

    [Waiter leaves and returns with another
    bowl of soup and the check.]

    Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

    Patron: This is potato soup.

    Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

    Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

    [Waiter leaves.]

    Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

    ----------
    Check for the meal:
    Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00
    Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $ 2.50
    Access to support . . . . . . . . . . $10.00
    Bug in the soup included at no extra charge
    (will be fixed with tomorrow's soup of the day)


    A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman
    appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over. The man
    pulls over and the officer approaches the car.

    State cop: "License and registration please."
    Man: "I'm sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?"
    State cop: "I clocked you on radar doing 75mph."
    Man: "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65."
    Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!"

    State cop: "I'm also citing you for having a tail light out."
    Man: "But officer, I wasn't aware it was out."
    Wife: "Oh Harold, you know it's been out for two months."

    State Cop: "I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt."
    Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car."
    Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt."

    Man: "Listen you dumb woman, shut your stupid mouth!!!"
    State Cop:"Ma'am does he always talk to you this way?"
    Wife: "Only when he's drunk......."

    ***

    The following are ads from a real-life newspaper which appeared four
    days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first
    day's mistake.

    MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale.
    Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him
    cheap.

    TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred in R.D. Jones' ad yesterday.
    It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707
    and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

    WEDNESDAY: Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received
    several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the
    classified ad. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R.D.
    Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.
    and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

    THURSDAY: Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I
    smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I
    have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!


    Posted by VPost v1.9.130628

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  • From Daryl Stout@HURRICAN to All on Mon Jul 14 00:30:00 2014
    Did you hear about the two blood corpuscles named Romeo and Juliet?
    They loved in vein.

    "Marriage" -- the process of finding out what kind of person your
    spouse would prefer.

    "Coming from the Soviet Union I was not prepared for the incredible
    variety of products available in American grocery stores. I saw
    powdered milk -- you just add water and you get milk. I saw powdered
    orange juice -- you just add water and you get orange juice. Then I
    saw baby powder and thought, 'what a country.'" -- Yakov Smirnoff

    A scientist, trying to prove his theorem, was doing a large experiment
    with liquid chemicals when he fell into the vat and became part of the solution.


    Bumper sticker we saw:
    I'VE BEEN CALLED WORSE.


    "Relax and make yourself at home -- I'm not quite ready," the woman
    said to her blind date. "Feel free to play with my little dog Shelby if
    you like." The man found a toy and idly tossed it. The eager little
    dog fetched, her tail wagging wildly for another turn. He tossed the ball again, and the dog scurried after it. He hurled the toy harder, and
    this time it bounced out an open window. To his horror, the little pet
    jumped out after the ball, falling 20 stories down.

    Just then the woman entered the room. "So, how did you and little
    Shelby get along?" "Well," the man shrugged, "she seemed a little
    depressed..."

    A note from a college student, with reply:

    Dear Dad,

    $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
    hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if
    you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear
    from you.

    Love,
    Your $on.


    Dear Son,

    I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
    even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge
    is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

    Love,
    Dad

    If restaurant waiters acted like Microsoft support staff

    Patron: Waiter!

    Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter.
    What seems to be the problem?

    Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

    Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

    Patron: No, it's still there.

    Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're eating the soup;
    try eating it with a fork instead.

    Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

    Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl;
    what kind of bowl are you using?

    Patron: A SOUP bowl!

    Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem;
    how was the bowl set up?

    Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer;
    what has that to do fly in my soup?

    Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before
    you noticed the fly with the fork in your soup?

    Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

    Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

    Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

    Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

    Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

    Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

    Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check.
    I'm running late now.

    [Waiter leaves and returns with another
    bowl of soup and the check.]

    Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

    Patron: This is potato soup.

    Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

    Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

    [Waiter leaves.]

    Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

    ----------
    Check for the meal:
    Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00
    Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $ 2.50
    Access to support . . . . . . . . . . $10.00
    Bug in the soup included at no extra charge
    (will be fixed with tomorrow's soup of the day)


    A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman
    appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over. The man
    pulls over and the officer approaches the car.

    State cop: "License and registration please."
    Man: "I'm sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?"
    State cop: "I clocked you on radar doing 75mph."
    Man: "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65."
    Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!"

    State cop: "I'm also citing you for having a tail light out."
    Man: "But officer, I wasn't aware it was out."
    Wife: "Oh Harold, you know it's been out for two months."

    State Cop: "I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt."
    Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car."
    Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt."

    Man: "Listen you dumb woman, shut your stupid mouth!!!"
    State Cop:"Ma'am does he always talk to you this way?"
    Wife: "Only when he's drunk......."

    ***

    The following are ads from a real-life newspaper which appeared four
    days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first
    day's mistake.

    MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale.
    Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him
    cheap.

    TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred in R.D. Jones' ad yesterday.
    It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707
    and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

    WEDNESDAY: Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received
    several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the
    classified ad. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R.D.
    Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.
    and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

    THURSDAY: Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I
    smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I
    have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!


    Posted by VPost v1.7.081019

    === Virtual Advanced Ver 2 for DOS
    * ORIGIN: The Thunderbolt BBS - wx1der.dyndns.org (57:57/10)
    Synchronet Eye of The Hurricane BBS - hurrican.synchro.net
    --- SBBSecho 2.27-Win32
    * Origin: Eye of The Hurricane BBS - eoth.dyndns.org (57:57/1)
    Synchronet Eye of The Hurricane BBS - hurrican.synchro.net
  • From Daryl Stout@HURRICAN/TBOLT to All on Sat Oct 14 00:04:12 2017
    In Japan, they have replaced the
    impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error
    messages with haiku poetry messages. Haiku
    poetry has strict construction and
    inscrutable rules.

    Each poem has only three lines, 17 syllables:
    five syllables in the first line, seven in
    the second, five in the third.

    Haiku are used to communicate timeless
    messages, often evoking powerful insight
    through extreme brevity - the essence of Zen.

    Your file was so big.
    It might be very useful.
    But now it is gone.

    The Web site you seek
    Cannot be located, but
    Countless more exist.

    Chaos reigns within.
    Reflect, repent, and reboot.
    Order shall return.

    Program aborting:
    Close all that you have worked on.
    You ask far too much.

    Windows NT crashed.
    I am the Blue Screen of Death.
    No one hears your screams.

    Yesterday it worked.
    Today it is not working.
    Windows is like that.

    First snow, then silence.
    This thousand-dollar screen dies
    So beautifully.

    With searching comes loss
    And the presence of absence:
    "My Novel" not found.

    The Tao that is seen
    Is not the true Tao - until
    You bring fresh toner.

    Stay the patient course.
    Of little worth is your ire.
    The network is down.

    A crash reduces
    Your expensive computer
    To a simple stone.

    Three things are certain:
    Death, taxes and lost data.
    Guess which has occurred.

    You step in the stream,
    But the water has moved on.
    This page is not here.

    Out of memory.
    We wish to hold the whole sky,
    But we never will.

    Having been erased,
    The document you're seeking
    Must now be retyped.

    Serious error.
    All shortcuts have disappeared.
    Screen. Mind. Both are blank.



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