This is an actual letter sent to a bank. The bank thought it amusing
enough to publish in the New York Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds
must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I
admit, has only been in place seven or eight years. You are to be
commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I
caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of
fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking
as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I
can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and
proud to hear it.

To this end, please be advised about the following changes. First, I
have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls
and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter,
no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch,
whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under
the Postal Laws, 18USC1702, for any other person to open such an
envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and
that the mandatory details of his / her financial situation (income,
debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of
button presses required to access my account balance on your phone
bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my
new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
automated voice.

By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an
extensive set of menus:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing repayment.
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is
received.
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received.
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message, a password
to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at
a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1-9.
10. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy
wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen
a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:.."Oh, the banks are made of
marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for".......... After twenty minutes
of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart.

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank
has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at
a cost --- a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let
me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the
matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee
of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at
$5 per minute of my time spent in response.

Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the
penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new
phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't
come for free),so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief
and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Sincerely,
XXXXXXXXXXX

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